I've made no bones about what I believe about separating happiness from the way we feel. I believe happiness is what we are at the core. Who We Really Are.
But nonetheless, I was struck with a reminder yesterday afternoon and evening.
For more than 3 years, I've dreamed of having a backyard with my own vegetable garden. I've collected dozens of pics and instructions of how to construct various beds and planters. I've imagined spending hours on projects inside and outside of our "new" home. Feeling the emotions that go along with that realized dream.
Hubby and I have had our house on the market for what amounts to a total of almost 2 years. We took it off the market last June, the 21-month-on-the-market-point, to renovate our kitchen. Decided to enjoy our lovely new surroundings for about 6 months before putting it back on the market. More than two months later, only 1 showing. For what constitutes nearly 2 years as a listing, only a handful of showings. Yet we have one of the top agents in our market.
We've gone out looking for homes, both through the personal listing service provided by our real estate agent and open houses. After sifting through hundreds of listings, we found the house we both love.
But alas, the price point coupled with GST & property transfer tax, having to purchase appliances, grade the backyard, fence it, landscaping. etc, not to mention having to sell our home first...it's been a wholly disappointing experience.
Add to that other stuff entering my field of environment. A book I'm reading that is testing my beliefs. A family member who also has her house on the market getting showings each and every day, sometimes 5 in a day (different area, different market). No jealousy. Just the reminder of what I haven't yet been able to manifest for myself. And though I have been able to manifest some pretty remarkable things, not the deliberate dream.
It all hit me like a brick while I was drying my hair, of all things. As I sat on the edge of our tub, hairbrush in one hand, dryer in the other, I burst into sudden unexpected tears.
Not an uncontrollable sobbing heaving cry. Just a quiet disappointment. I felt it across my chest, just above my sternum and in my throat. I had to put the dryer down for a moment and just breathe through it all. And let the tears stream down my face.
I got comfortable with the disappointment. No judgment. No should's. No should not's. Just surrender to what I was feeling. Both emotionally and physically.
Then I "asked" for a sign. A clear sign to help me understand why I wasn't able to manifest this dream. How I was blocking the dream.
Last night, at a meetup group gathering, one of the members showed a series of YouTube video clips of Gangji. And though the energy I walked into the room with was less than a high vibration, the sign I'd asked for came to me.
It's just a story. It's all just a story. Nothing is real, except Who I Really Am, which is inside. Sometimes, we all just need to be reminded of what we already know.
But even more importantly, the realization that one of the things for me to be grateful for yesterday was feeling disappointment. Feeling it deeply, both emotionally and physically. Because in those so-called negative feelings came the reminder that I so needed. I am not my story.